Intimate warnings for 2024, by Funke Egbemode

Intimate warnings for 2024, by Funke Egbemode

You are 33 and not doing badly. You are comfortable and beautiful but your love of easy money has blurred your childhood vision of a cozy happy home with children and a husband who loves you to bits.

Your once vivid dream of falling in love and marrying early to raise four children, while nurturing a career has since given way to the steady ready flow of cash and ‘baby of life’ lifestyle.

You are now a chartered side chick, living on the side street of some other women’s lives. The man you love is not your own. The life you live is not yours either. But you love its softness. Your career is actually a front for your ‘baby girl life’. All the money the world sees is from your sugar daddies. Not your legit clean sweat.

Has anyone told you you can stop, yes, stop this fake cushy life? Year 2024 is new and offers 12 solid months to retrieve your dream of being a mother and a wife. Thus far, you have been able to maintain your fine face and good health. None of the licensed owners’ of your sugar daddies has gone crazy enough to redesign your face or break your bones. Just thank God and retire from your concocted unrealistic Baby Girl Life. It is a wide road that leads to trouble; tons of it.

What if this is the year you’ll meet that dark, handsome rich dude who’d spoil you silly? What if this is the year of your birthday on a private island and Valentine in the South of France? What if it’s also the year a jealous wife will send goons after you to beat you to an inch of your life or even snuff out your baby girl life?

What if it’s the year you will date that sugar daddy who will turn out to be the uncle of the man who’ll eventually propose to you in 2026? Read that again. The devil is complicated like that. He will bring all the rosy stuff in colourful wraps when right at the heart of the gift is perfumed cyanide. Baby girl, you can make that detour. You can stop the fake life. You can do it. You can go legit, love, be loved and retrieve your dream.

Uncle Man-of-God, stop right there. Everybody thinks you are anointed and called when all you have been doing is dipping your candy cane in all kinds of unholy pots. You even have a congregation where women old enough to be your mother courtesy to greet you. But in secret, you have been digging for oil in wells that do not belong to you. You have been oiling mounds and curves that other people paid for. Somehow, your secret has remained in the secret but listen to me, something tells me 2024 is your year of enlarged coast. If you continue to anoint and mount women apart from your wife, your joy will overflow in public. You still don’t understand? The slightest, smallest drop of ‘anointing’ from your nozzle into any illegal tank this year will produce results that will shake and shock you. The kind of shaking and shocking that will end your ministry.

You know those women you cannot threaten or blackmail? You have been doing rigorous deliverance for her. Even you think you can ‘chop her and clean mouth.’ Not this one, she’s your final sinful stop. She is the one designed to stop you. She will get pregnant and give you twins and all eyes will see them, and know what you have been doing ‘after service’. You don’t believe me? Please do, this is the year you will get caught. Just stop already because the shit is about to hit the fan.

My dear vain sister, pause and think three times before you do something that you will regret. This is not your year of impulsive breast and bum lifts or foolish purchases. Do not do anything just because it’s in vogue or because your friends, family or society expect you to do them. Something like BBL (Brazilian Butt Lift), especially if you are doing it as a side chick. Girl, a BBL does not guarantee your promotion from an outsider to an insider, a side chick to wife. Have you checked out the natural butts of the Madam at home? It is natural and firm. If he left God-made one for your crafted one, you should know he most likely will move on to another designer butt when he’s had his fill of you. Come to think of it, this reigning BBL had a fore runner called silicone fill, right? Doesn’t that foretell that something else is coming to upstage BBL? It is Brazilian brand today, there could be American Butt Lift by the end of the year. What will you do then, another reconstruction? Doesn’t that make you a shallow, foolhardy fool, all butts no brains? You are better and brighter than that, I know. So, think deep before you sacrifice your blood for hand-made butts.

Auntie, this is your year of enjoyment, fun, fulfillment and happiness. Do not lay down your life for your marriage. That’s not what marriage is for. It’s a union that should make you happy. If it has however become a stressor, it is time to reassess your life. Put yourself first. No, don’t be selfish. Just be self-centered for a change. Do not burst an artery because your husband is having an affair. Get a life. Get a diaphragm fitted. Use female condom. Continue to get the best of his dick. You are entitled to it and the sugar therein. It’s yours first. Do not let his announcement of ‘I’m getting a second wife’ or his mother’s ‘another woman is pregnant for my son’ give you high blood pressure. Sign up for more responsibilities at work and work harder on your career. Enroll for a PhD or Masters. Above all, get more involved in social activities. If you can afford it, join a golf club. Wallowing in self-pity, biting your fingers or asking yourself such stupid questions like ‘where did I go wrong?’ is a no-no.

READ ALSO: What women want, By Funke Egbemode

If it is written in your husband’s destiny that he will be paying school fees until he’s 75, leave him to it. If it is in his star that he will work to please many women all his life, leave him to his trouble. Just pray for him to live long to train your children but don’t kill yourself because of the sins of another person’s child. Yeah, you are the custodian of your own peace and happiness. Change your hairstyle. Get regular manicure and pedicure. Get a new set of night wears. Sing in the shower. Go out more. Go to the gym but 2024 is not the year you let a man kill you. He’s someone’s child. You are also your parents’ precious child.

Oga, have you heard? That wife you are taking for granted is someone else’s spec, trust me. Indeed, one money-miss-road, school certificate holder trader in the Shopping Complex near you is ready to do anything to get the wife you are treating like trash. While you are threatening her for driving ‘your Venza’, that Omo Ibo is promising her a 2022 Ford Explorer. While she’s begging you to make love to her once a month, there’s another man whose eyes are bulging and whose third leg is threatening to burst out his boxers just looking at her hips. Yes Sir, someone wants to fire your wife until she gasps in ecstasy. Yet you keep her on ice for two straight months because your new yellow pawpaw is tantalising you.

“A woman needs love,

Just like you do.

Don’t kid yourself thinking that she don’t.

She can fool around.

Just like you do.

Unless you give all the love she wants.”

Go on and listen to the full lyrics of Ray Parker’s ‘A woman needs love’ and warn yourself. Or better still, ‘borrow yourself brain as they say on the streets. Don’t leave your meat within the reach of a cat and start howling ‘DNA DNA’ later.

To you all, I say this is your year. Have a fun-filled fulfilling year 2024.